I have compiled a list of 10 (all I could think of at the moment. I reserve the right to add at any time) things that suck when you are the mommy of a young child. Please, feel free to comment and add your own sucky things and if you are the lucky Mum of older children, please comment and let me know what I have to look forward to. God Bless us all.
P.S. I hate F*&*ING SNOW! Just in case I have never shared that with you....
Things That Suck (In no particular order)
1. Dirty public toilets.
2. Coffee table edges.
3. Unidentified sticky stuff in hair.
4. Packs of Q-Tips left in reach of child.
5. Contact lenses left in reach of child that are now MIA.
6. Maple syrup.
7. Juice. Especially the kind with color.
8. The "siren" cry. You have all heard this, don't pretend you haven't.
9. Grocery carts with the "car" attached to the front.
10. Play Doh.
Cleaning, searching and finding higher shelves........
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Etiquette en el Restaurante Favorito
I took Boo to the Mexican place tonight. She probably asks if we can go to El Vaquero (or "Queros" if you ask her) at least 5 times a week. I haven't taken her in like, 3 weeks, so I figured we should go.....especially since she will be with Daddy all weekend and I like the Mommy/Daughter dinner thing alot.
Taking a 3 year old to a restaurant is hard enough, but when there is only one adult accompanying said preschooler, it is a mighty fine trick my friends. There are certain things that occur at any dinner with a young child that must be considered before you embark on this little journey...
1. The child will need activities, several activities, to keep him or her occupied until something messy arrives. This requires a completely separate bag, larger than the gigundo mom handbag you are currently carrying.
2. The child will have to go to the bathroom no less than 2 times while you are there. This endeavor requires you to lug all the gear to the loo. (unless you live in Mayberry and can leave all your personal belongings at the table, thanks Aunt Bea!)
3. The sweetheart will want whatever is on YOUR plate, not their own, even though you have discussed what they will eat 22 times during the 1.2 mile trip to the restaurant. And again when you order. You may as well order what you want for the little one and something else for yourself.
In addition to all of the aforementioned issues arising during this evening's excursion, she also put on a dance performance for the neighboring tables, had a nice chat with the couple next to us, used her fork to "cut" a tortilla chip (the amount of crumbs that resulted was astronomical) and did her best to lick all the salt off my (much needed) margarita glass.
I am posting this through one eye and with two fingers because the rest of me is too tired. Even my hair is tired.
TIP: Plan ahead, pack a Samsonite, and have a LOOOONG nap at your desk before you take the little ones to dinner on a work night.....alone.
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............
Taking a 3 year old to a restaurant is hard enough, but when there is only one adult accompanying said preschooler, it is a mighty fine trick my friends. There are certain things that occur at any dinner with a young child that must be considered before you embark on this little journey...
1. The child will need activities, several activities, to keep him or her occupied until something messy arrives. This requires a completely separate bag, larger than the gigundo mom handbag you are currently carrying.
2. The child will have to go to the bathroom no less than 2 times while you are there. This endeavor requires you to lug all the gear to the loo. (unless you live in Mayberry and can leave all your personal belongings at the table, thanks Aunt Bea!)
3. The sweetheart will want whatever is on YOUR plate, not their own, even though you have discussed what they will eat 22 times during the 1.2 mile trip to the restaurant. And again when you order. You may as well order what you want for the little one and something else for yourself.
In addition to all of the aforementioned issues arising during this evening's excursion, she also put on a dance performance for the neighboring tables, had a nice chat with the couple next to us, used her fork to "cut" a tortilla chip (the amount of crumbs that resulted was astronomical) and did her best to lick all the salt off my (much needed) margarita glass.
I am posting this through one eye and with two fingers because the rest of me is too tired. Even my hair is tired.
TIP: Plan ahead, pack a Samsonite, and have a LOOOONG nap at your desk before you take the little ones to dinner on a work night.....alone.
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Taxes Schmaxes
I made a valiant attempt at doing my taxes this evening. I did the Turbo Tax thing today and I have to say that it is really wonderful, IF you have all the stuff you need.
For instance.....I took some college classes last year and I was supposed to get some 498-T-1037-IRS-BS form. WTF? I have no clue what they are talking about! So I call a pal that works at the college and she says "Sure you can get that online! I'll send you the link in an e-mail." Super! Would have been nice if I know this before I started, but whatev. So now I have more IRS BS to contend with and I am not at all going to let it suck the life out of me like I am sure the good folks at H&R Block would if they had the opportunity. I went through the whole thing with an "estimate" just to get an idea of what type of refund I would get, right? Well, I was insulted. How do you get to claim all this s**t on your taxes and get ABSOLUTE CRAP back? I must have done something wrong. So I guess I'll go find all the 1089-09853-**F$%$$#ing forms and start over.
I know the IR-flipping-S does this on purpose. Wankers.
But, I am not going to flip out. I am going to take a deep Zen-like breath and begin anew.....
Just as soon as I get the top secret 1098462-888-666-T5 F%$#ing form.
Tip: Get all the top secret forms you need ahead of your easy-peasy Turbo Tax session, if the government will let you.
Going A-filing.....
For instance.....I took some college classes last year and I was supposed to get some 498-T-1037-IRS-BS form. WTF? I have no clue what they are talking about! So I call a pal that works at the college and she says "Sure you can get that online! I'll send you the link in an e-mail." Super! Would have been nice if I know this before I started, but whatev. So now I have more IRS BS to contend with and I am not at all going to let it suck the life out of me like I am sure the good folks at H&R Block would if they had the opportunity. I went through the whole thing with an "estimate" just to get an idea of what type of refund I would get, right? Well, I was insulted. How do you get to claim all this s**t on your taxes and get ABSOLUTE CRAP back? I must have done something wrong. So I guess I'll go find all the 1089-09853-**F$%$$#ing forms and start over.
I know the IR-flipping-S does this on purpose. Wankers.
But, I am not going to flip out. I am going to take a deep Zen-like breath and begin anew.....
Just as soon as I get the top secret 1098462-888-666-T5 F%$#ing form.
Tip: Get all the top secret forms you need ahead of your easy-peasy Turbo Tax session, if the government will let you.
Going A-filing.....
Monday, January 19, 2009
Gettin' Back To Good
So, I was still seething over the Death Stare, which is pretty stupid in and of itself. And, it is totally out of whack with my 2009 Zen Goddess persona that I am attempting to attain, so I am "letting go" of the anger, and moving on....Bye Bye McSnorker.
I was, and this will sound mean and selfish but it's true, so glad to head off to the library/Barnes and Noble today after an extemely boring day at work and have ZERO interference. No little gal (she is with Daddy), no BF (he is at pool league) and no cell (left it in vehicle). Awesome. This little adventure took my stress level down about 33 degrees (haven't exactly developed a degree SCALE per se, but I assure you that 33 is a bunch) and frankly, there is nothing better than getting what you need from the library and rewarding yourself with some retail therapy. I highly recommend a quiet trip to the local bookseller for a stress buster now and again. I can't do this too often, as I am likely to buy too many fashion mags, books I intend to give as gifts then keep, and self help publications that don't really help. One can go broke doing this, so I try to keep it to a minimum. Broke is not part of my 2009 Zen Plan either, you feel me?
My tip of the day is obviously the trip to the bookstore, but I also think that as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE retail, wherever it might be, sometimes it's just the quiet we all need as mommies. That amazing silence that makes you miss the noise but feel grateful for the lack of it at the same time, you know? Ick, this is starting to sound very "end of Jerry Springer Show" So be nice to you neighbors and all that.......
I was, and this will sound mean and selfish but it's true, so glad to head off to the library/Barnes and Noble today after an extemely boring day at work and have ZERO interference. No little gal (she is with Daddy), no BF (he is at pool league) and no cell (left it in vehicle). Awesome. This little adventure took my stress level down about 33 degrees (haven't exactly developed a degree SCALE per se, but I assure you that 33 is a bunch) and frankly, there is nothing better than getting what you need from the library and rewarding yourself with some retail therapy. I highly recommend a quiet trip to the local bookseller for a stress buster now and again. I can't do this too often, as I am likely to buy too many fashion mags, books I intend to give as gifts then keep, and self help publications that don't really help. One can go broke doing this, so I try to keep it to a minimum. Broke is not part of my 2009 Zen Plan either, you feel me?
My tip of the day is obviously the trip to the bookstore, but I also think that as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE retail, wherever it might be, sometimes it's just the quiet we all need as mommies. That amazing silence that makes you miss the noise but feel grateful for the lack of it at the same time, you know? Ick, this is starting to sound very "end of Jerry Springer Show" So be nice to you neighbors and all that.......
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Death Stare at Johnny B's
OK, here is what I would like to know....
What normal, adult human being gives the Death Stare to a 3 year old?
We were at the sub place tonight, and this particular establishment also happens to specialize in frozen custard. Since my little angel ate all her dinner (good girl!), I told her we could go up and she could get dessert. So she decides on flavor, but the food/custard employee is busy ringing out some food customers. I tell the little gal to hold on, but, as 3 year old patience is fairly low, she cuts into the food line and says to the worker; "Please I can have some ice cream?" Now, I thought that this was pretty cute even though it was kinda bad manners, but again, the kid is 3. The worker tells her "Hold on sweetie, I'll be right there.", and I look up to see this lady in the line giving my daughter the freaking Death Stare! You would have thought the kid was 21 and zipped up to the front of the line to ask for a drink refill or some s**t like that. So, natch, I have to give the fat ass beeeeyotch the even bigger "You-Are-Going-Straight-To-Hell" Stare back. I mean, come on, it's a little girl. The other people in line were giggling, primarily because it's CUTE! So, Fatty McSub Snorker, if you are out there and reading this, take your bitterness out on someone a wee bit closer to your age if you must, but stop being evil to small children, especially when their mommies are watching. Because mommies are totally equipped to rip your head off. So there, beeyotch.
Oh and we had a great dinner anyway.
What normal, adult human being gives the Death Stare to a 3 year old?
We were at the sub place tonight, and this particular establishment also happens to specialize in frozen custard. Since my little angel ate all her dinner (good girl!), I told her we could go up and she could get dessert. So she decides on flavor, but the food/custard employee is busy ringing out some food customers. I tell the little gal to hold on, but, as 3 year old patience is fairly low, she cuts into the food line and says to the worker; "Please I can have some ice cream?" Now, I thought that this was pretty cute even though it was kinda bad manners, but again, the kid is 3. The worker tells her "Hold on sweetie, I'll be right there.", and I look up to see this lady in the line giving my daughter the freaking Death Stare! You would have thought the kid was 21 and zipped up to the front of the line to ask for a drink refill or some s**t like that. So, natch, I have to give the fat ass beeeeyotch the even bigger "You-Are-Going-Straight-To-Hell" Stare back. I mean, come on, it's a little girl. The other people in line were giggling, primarily because it's CUTE! So, Fatty McSub Snorker, if you are out there and reading this, take your bitterness out on someone a wee bit closer to your age if you must, but stop being evil to small children, especially when their mommies are watching. Because mommies are totally equipped to rip your head off. So there, beeyotch.
Oh and we had a great dinner anyway.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Tip of the Day
Oh yeah:
Get a headset for that phone. Cell, land line, bag phone, whatever. Get one. At least when the hungry, crazy, cartwheeling masses want something, you can retrieve it without having to put the phone down or giving yourself a huge neck cramp. Target, Wal Mart, Kroger, they all have them for a reasonable price. And frankly, being able to do two things at once is invaluable.
Dancing on the table with fruit snacks in my hand.....
Get a headset for that phone. Cell, land line, bag phone, whatever. Get one. At least when the hungry, crazy, cartwheeling masses want something, you can retrieve it without having to put the phone down or giving yourself a huge neck cramp. Target, Wal Mart, Kroger, they all have them for a reasonable price. And frankly, being able to do two things at once is invaluable.
Dancing on the table with fruit snacks in my hand.....
On The Phone...Interrupted
K. Why is it that when there are other people in the home, resident or not, human or not, they ignore you until you pick up the phone?
I am sure I was guilty of this as a child, but it drives me 'round the bend and I am not sure how the Conversation Interruption Phenomenon occurs. What I do know is that its very annoying existence rears its ugly head at least 5 times daily. I can be sitting there STARING at whomever is in the room, dancing on the coffee table trying to get the attention of Boo, who is watching Spongebob, or calling all over the house for the dog and what do I get? NADA! But I can pick up the phone and speed dial Time and Weather and BAM, everybody wants something.
Dog wants chew bone, kid wants snack, boyfriend wants remote, "Where-is-the KIIIIITTTTEEENNN MAMA!", you name it.
Now, if it is an important conversation, say, with the Pharmacy about Xanax, or Dish Network because there is noting but snow on the TV screen, then the antics become even more over-the-top, and now THEY are the ones dancing on the coffee table trying to gain a little shred of what's left of my attention span. Thank the Lord women are born with the multi -tasking gene, otherwise everyone else would be totally screwed.
I can't tell you how many times I have had to ask some poor and surely overworked customer service representative from some service I require to please hold while I ask the screaming toddler next to me what she needs so that said Customer Service Rep still has his or her hearing in tact at the end of the day. I am sure they love being asked to hold too, right? Because now I am stealing THEIR job of asking me to hold at length while they "check the computer". Meanwhile my dog just did a cartwheel and my boyfriend is putting silk sweaters in the dryer, just "trying to help". Awesome.
I love the phone but I am only using it while locked in the loo from now on.
Trying to find the headset......
I am sure I was guilty of this as a child, but it drives me 'round the bend and I am not sure how the Conversation Interruption Phenomenon occurs. What I do know is that its very annoying existence rears its ugly head at least 5 times daily. I can be sitting there STARING at whomever is in the room, dancing on the coffee table trying to get the attention of Boo, who is watching Spongebob, or calling all over the house for the dog and what do I get? NADA! But I can pick up the phone and speed dial Time and Weather and BAM, everybody wants something.
Dog wants chew bone, kid wants snack, boyfriend wants remote, "Where-is-the KIIIIITTTTEEENNN MAMA!", you name it.
Now, if it is an important conversation, say, with the Pharmacy about Xanax, or Dish Network because there is noting but snow on the TV screen, then the antics become even more over-the-top, and now THEY are the ones dancing on the coffee table trying to gain a little shred of what's left of my attention span. Thank the Lord women are born with the multi -tasking gene, otherwise everyone else would be totally screwed.
I can't tell you how many times I have had to ask some poor and surely overworked customer service representative from some service I require to please hold while I ask the screaming toddler next to me what she needs so that said Customer Service Rep still has his or her hearing in tact at the end of the day. I am sure they love being asked to hold too, right? Because now I am stealing THEIR job of asking me to hold at length while they "check the computer". Meanwhile my dog just did a cartwheel and my boyfriend is putting silk sweaters in the dryer, just "trying to help". Awesome.
I love the phone but I am only using it while locked in the loo from now on.
Trying to find the headset......
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Seems Like A Piece Of Cake
SO, like it says under the title, I am trying, with some teeny tiny degree of success to Channel My Inner Gandhi and make 2009 my first chilled out year since my daughter came IN and my husband went OUT of my life. I have been reading books and bought myself a nice yoga video to go with my 4 year old, unused, yoga mat. So I'm gonna give it a try. All the literature and the video descriptions make freeing myself from stress look so easy.....
Baby Boo is off with Daddy this weekend, so working on starting this blog and staying cool is relatively effortless. Especially since I was out watching the BF's band play until 1am and have been rendered completely unable to leave my chair. I am WAAAAY too old to be hanging out in pubs til 1am. I can barely function and no amount of Diet Coke seems to be turning on the motivation today. But tomorrow is another (hectic) day. I can make up for it and then some.
I am, as a part-time professional organizer, fairly confident that getting my proverbial s**t together will seriously help on the stress front. I am also fairly confident that if I could find the s**t and figure out what to do with all the s**t, I would finally reach Nirvana and could quit all this yoga bullcrap. Sort of like Doctor, Heal Thyself, right? Easy peasy to help everyone else, but me? No way.
All I know it that I am NOT getting roped into a yoga class in one of those 500 degree centigrade rooms. Nuh-uh. Not happening. I feel faint just thinking about it. I am pretty sure I can reach that elusive state of bliss without dying of heat stroke and thirst. Baby Boo needs me, stressed out or not.
Namaste.
Baby Boo is off with Daddy this weekend, so working on starting this blog and staying cool is relatively effortless. Especially since I was out watching the BF's band play until 1am and have been rendered completely unable to leave my chair. I am WAAAAY too old to be hanging out in pubs til 1am. I can barely function and no amount of Diet Coke seems to be turning on the motivation today. But tomorrow is another (hectic) day. I can make up for it and then some.
I am, as a part-time professional organizer, fairly confident that getting my proverbial s**t together will seriously help on the stress front. I am also fairly confident that if I could find the s**t and figure out what to do with all the s**t, I would finally reach Nirvana and could quit all this yoga bullcrap. Sort of like Doctor, Heal Thyself, right? Easy peasy to help everyone else, but me? No way.
All I know it that I am NOT getting roped into a yoga class in one of those 500 degree centigrade rooms. Nuh-uh. Not happening. I feel faint just thinking about it. I am pretty sure I can reach that elusive state of bliss without dying of heat stroke and thirst. Baby Boo needs me, stressed out or not.
Namaste.
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